Part 2
Disclaimer: To my family and friends You may not want to read this, there are things in this section that you may shock you and disappoint you. I am ashamed of my past but thankful for a redeemer who has forgiven me, and grown me into the God fearing woman I am today. I am thankful that He can use my past to help someone else come to His glory, therefore I share.
The reason for the disclaimer is because I feel like I need go back a little in my past in order to make sense of my fear and "need" to try and become the spiritual leader of my family.
In my past I was a lying, swearing, drunken, cigarette/pot smoking, adulteress. addicted to pornography (what? that only happens to men, not true), sexually immoral, cheating wife, and blasphemer. I hurt almost everyone I knew in some form or another. I believed many lies of the enemy. I no longer have any struggle with these things. Thank you Lord for setting me free! Quick clarification I did not cheat on Richie, I was married once before.
Richie and I are so blessed in our story, We had both walked away from our faith, for me I would say completely. I can't speak for him. When we met we were both needed the Lord, he so graciously did that through each other. We started out small, getting back to church, then came cleaning up our mouths they way we spoke didn't fit into what we believed. Then came an engagement and a commitment to stay pure until our wedding day. I will tell you that was a huge struggle, and I can't say that God will completely bless us for it, but I can say we did wait to have sex until our wedding night! We were starting to experience love, true love, love beyond an emotion. We got married. My husband had to work in Wenatchee 2 months after we got married which was very hard on me because I was still very weak in my faith and was relying on him way too much for guidance and security. I was fearful because he was surrounded 24/7 by non christians, drunkards and adulterers (yes I know this for a fact). At that time in our lives my husband struggled with pornography that was being sent via text messages from other people (funny how the devil uses the same tricks, something similar happened in my past). My insecurity went out the window (I wasn't pretty/sexy enough etc.) I basically moved into that hotel room with him, out of fear of our marriage, I wasn't letting the enemy win. Out of this God drew us closer together and the text messages soon stopped coming. We decided four months into our marriage that we were going to see if God would bless us with a child, four months later we conceived.
It was during this time that I began to try and lead my husband aka play his Holy Spirit. I was convinced that I was doing better then him spiritually because his sins seem more apparent (note: I wasn't looking at myself) The Holy Spirit was convicting me and showing me that music I was listening to and movies I was watching were not edifying to the Lord. I tried convincing him that he need to shape up too, that ended in shear argument. You see the Holy Spirit convicts as we grow and only when we are ready to hear, not before. I went as far as throwing movies away and basically shunning him when he chose to watch or listen to a song that I didn't approve of. Let just say it wasn't real healthy on the marriage. I have a wonderful loving husband who is so forgiving, thank you Lord!
When I found out I was having a girl, I think I went off the deep end when it came to fear. Fear that my husband wasn't going to lead us correctly spiritually and my daughters were going to suffer, Fear about having to tell my daughters all the things I have done, fear that they would repeat the things that I have done. Fear that people would learn about my past, Fear that I wasn't adequate to raise daughters. I now do not fear!
I grew up in a christian home, my father is a minister, my mother was a stay home mom. I have two older brothers and two younger brothers. I am the only girl. I had a pretty normal childhood as far as I can remember. But, I believe that their is a spirit of sexual immorality on both sides or our family that has been oppressing our family for generations, that bondage will not affect my children, we have recognized it and cast it away in Jesus name! Why is that relevant? There is so much sexual sin and bondage in my family and it is important to recognize sin that is affecting your generation. We want to create multi-generational faithfulness and break multi-generational sin.
I just realized this could end up super long so I'm going to shorten it, if you want full details about each conviction, on why they are conviction and the story of how we came to agreement on them, let me know and I can elaborate at a later time.
My convictions that apply to my family:
Movies/Music
Homeschooling
Letting God decided our family size
Reading the Bible to our Children everyday
Reading and praying daily together
I tried to convince my husband in everyone of these things, I pushed, pleaded, begged, cried and tried to research my way, to become his way. Every time it ended up in an argument, and me believing lies from the devil about my husband. Lies that he was inadequate as our spiritual leader, and leaving him frustrated and feeling inadequate. Here is the truth, I was playing the Holy Spirit, I was fearful and insecure, I wasn't trusting God to raise him up to be a man after God's own heart. I wasn't patient and enduring "long-suffering." I was walking in sin. Thank you Lord for being so forgiving.
After going to a Above Rubies women's conference, I realized that I wasn't praying for my husband. I was praying selfishly. I started changing the way I prayed. I prayed for my heart to change, for my eyes to see him as Christ sees him. I prayed for us to be equal in all things and on all levels. I found a great prayer in "The Power of a Praying Wife Book of Prayers" by, Stormie Omartian, I prayed this prayer daily probably for six months. I focused on Amos 3:3.
First came the homeschooling, then some music, family size, reading daily to our girls, reading and praying daily, then movies and more music.
I know these are all from the Lord, because I wouldn't have come up with them on my own. The question I have, why am I usually convicted first? I don't really know for sure, but like I said in part one we are much more sensitive by nature. We maybe more sensitive to the Holy Spirits promptings. What have I learned from this? Pray! Pray for equality, pray for like mindedness, pray for conformation and pray unselfishly.
My hopes is that I haven't disappointed any of you by my past, but that you can praise God for lifting me up from the pit I was in, that you can be proud of the woman I have become and becoming.
Some may be wondering why I talked about my sinful past, the answer so the devil doesn't have a foothold in my life. James 5:16 says to confess your faults one to another, trust me there is freedom in that.
I was so blind, but now I see. My chains are gone, I've been set free! Freedom in Christ what a wonderful gift!